


Love Of My Life

by sevenseasofrhye



Series: Queen [1]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Pining, Romance, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 22:36:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 8,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16438130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevenseasofrhye/pseuds/sevenseasofrhye
Summary: This story takes place in the early 70s.





	1. Chapter 1

Roger, who was sitting on a couch next to Brian, yawned yet again. There were dark shadows under his eyes. “You look like you haven’t slept,” Brian noted, glancing at his friend worriedly. 

“I haven’t.” Roger said. He was evidently struggling to stay awake. 

“What were you doing all night, then?” Brian asked.

“I was thinking,” Roger replied.

“About what?” Brian inquired, smiling slightly. Roger just shrugged. 

They were interrupted by the front door opening and Freddie stepping in, followed by John. With the four of them sharing the flat, it was rare to be able to have proper conversations without distractions. 

Freddie plopped down on the couch. “Hi!” he exclaimed. “Brian, is that my shirt?” he then asked, frowning.

Brian scoffed. “No, it’s mine.”

Freddie opened his mouth to object while John rolled his eyes at their bickering. “Would anyone like a cup of tea?” he asked. Roger shook his head. Freddie and Brian, having noticeably raised their voices, didn’t hear him. 

Roger, who’d had enough of their pointless arguing, followed John to the kitchen. “Such a fuss about a damned shirt,” he said annoyedly.

John looked at him, grinning. “An ugly one, for that matter,” he said.

Roger nodded in agreement. 

***

Roger was lying on the couch with his legs draped over the armrest and his eyes closed. He was drifting off, thinking he could finally get some much needed sleep, when he heard someone stomping to the living room. 

Roger didn’t bother to open his eyes, but when the person spoke, he immediately recognised his voice as Brian’s. “Move over.” 

“No,” Roger replied.

Brian sighed and Roger smiled to himself, thinking he’d finally left him alone. But suddenly he felt someone’s hands lifting his shoulders and when he was about to object, the hands laid him back down. 

When Roger opened his eyes, he realised that his head was in Brian’s lap. Brian was staring at him, looking amused. Roger gulped nervously and closed his eyes again. “I hate you,” he muttered.

Brian just laughed.

***

“Roger. Roger, wake up!”

Roger awoke, wincing at the unnecessarily loud voice. He frowned when instead of Brian’s eyes, he was met with Freddie’s. Brian wasn’t sitting on the couch anymore. 

Due to being rudely woken up after being able to sleep for a way too short while, Roger’s line of thought was not at its best. He looked around, confused. “Where’s Brian?” he asked sleepily.

“He’s waiting outside with John. We’re going to the party, remember?” Freddie spoke enthusiastically.

Roger groaned. How could he have forgotten? “I don’t want to go!” he whined.

“That’s too bad,” said Freddie, grabbing Roger’s arm. He dragged him out of the room, Roger complaining all the while.


	2. Chapter 2

Roger was sitting on the floor in a deserted hall, praying that none of the guests of the party would find him there. He’d been able to avoid everyone for nearly two hours now, only having had to greet a few people when he arrived.

If it were an ordinary night, he would have been out there laughing and drinking with his friends, flirting with girls. But right now, he wasn’t in the mood. He was tired. But it wasn’t just that; there was also something else bothering him. What exactly that something was, he didn’t know.

So, instead of socializing, Roger opted for isolating himself and drinking alone. 

He heard the door opening and saw John standing in the doorway. He stepped into the hall, closing the door behind him. 

John sat down next to him. “Hi,” said Roger. 

John didn’t greet him, instead saying: “Freddie is looking for you.”

Roger sighed wearily. “What does he need me for?”

“He wants you to join the party. He said everyone is expecting that from you and you’re supposed to fulfill their wishes,” John replied. 

Roger scoffed. “I owe nothing to neither them nor Freddie. Besides, I have a good reason not to join the party.”

“And what exactly is that reason?” John asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Um… It’s–” Roger cut himself off and frowned. What was the reason? “–none of your business,” he finished his sentence after a moment of silence. 

John shook his head and gave a laugh. “I can’t believe you’re voluntarily sitting here alone when you could be flirting with all those girls!” John glanced at the drink in Roger’s hand. “At least you don’t seem to be missing out on the alcohol,” he said with an expression that was half-frown and half-smile. 

Roger glared at him. “If this is going to turn into one of your speeches about how I should drink less, save it. In fact, I’m not even drunk. Just leave me alone.” 

“I’m not going to leave you alone,” said John, rolling his eyes. “I don’t feel like partying either. And don’t worry, I’m not going to lecture you about drinking.” 

“Thank God,” said Roger with sarcasm dripping from his voice. He closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. 

“But –,” John started speaking again. Roger’s eyes snapped open and he turned his head to face John, ready to protest whatever it was he was trying to say. “–I’m worried about you, Roger. You’re acting weird. Please tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Well, don’t be worried,” Roger spoke sharply. “Nothing is wrong.” John smiled sadly and they both fell silent.


	3. Chapter 3

Roger followed John out of the hall. They had decided to leave early since neither of them was really enjoying the party. 

John came to a halt and Roger collided with his back, groaning in pain when his nose hit John’s shoulder blade. John turned around and spoke: “I’m going to find Freddie to tell him we’re leaving. Wait here!” 

Roger crossed his arms on his chest and shifted his weight from foot to foot. He observed the people around him, shortly spotting someone familiar looking: Brian. The corners of Roger’s mouth turned up, forming a small smile. He started walking up to Brian, thinking he could have a conversation with him while waiting for John, but stopped dead in his tracks. Brian wasn’t alone. 

Standing next to him was some woman Roger had never seen before. She was tall, had honey blonde hair and from what Roger could see from that distance, she was very attractive. Her hand was on Brian’s arm and she was laughing, probably at something he had said. Brian was smiling. 

All of a sudden, Roger felt inexplicably sad. But why did he feel that way when Brian seemed so happy? It didn’t make sense to him.

Roger turned to face the other direction when a wave of nausea swept over him. The lights were too bright and the place was too crowded; he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

He frantically searched for an escape route, knowing he needed to get out as fast as possible. Any promise he’d made to John about waiting for him had completely vanished from his mind. 

To his delight, Roger saw the door only about ten feet away from him. He practically sprinted towards it, not stopping to apologise when he knocked someone over in his hurry. He heard someone shouting angrily at him when he yanked open the door, but he didn’t care. 

***

It was cold outside, something Roger was happy about. He was standing with his back against the wall of the building he had just fled from. The breeze touching his face felt nice. It calmed him down and helped him clear his mind.

He was startled when someone tapped his shoulder. He turned around, relieved to see it was only John, not a potential murdered. 

“You were supposed to wait for me,” said John accusingly. 

Roger looked at him with an apologetic smile. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just that there were so many people there and I started panicking.” 

John had a puzzled look on his face. Roger knew it was because he’d never before had any problems with being around lots of people. He was thankful when John didn’t question it further. 

“It’s okay,” John reassured. “Shall we go now?”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey! That’s mine!” exclaimed Roger as Brian snatched his coffee mug from the table. “Give it back!”

Brian took a sip of the coffee. He set the mug on the table and looked at Roger. “I think you’ve had enough already,” he said calmly. 

Roger scoffed and poked John’s arm with his finger. “Tell him to give me my coffee back!”

“Sorry, but I agree with Brian. You’ve drunk more than enough coffee,” John said and shrugged.

Roger glared at John. “You traitor,” he muttered. He heard someone chuckling behind him and turned around to see Freddie. 

“Someone’s in a bad mood,” said Freddie with a smirk on his face. 

“Well, Brian’s to blame for that! He stole my coffee!” Roger whined. 

“How shocking.” 

“Piss off.” 

Freddie sat down on the chair next to Brian. He examined his hands carefully before looking up at Roger and John and asking: “Where were you two during the party last night?” 

“We were talking in the hall outside the bar. Neither of us felt like attending the party,” John explained. 

Brian stared at Roger in disbelief. “You didn’t feel like attending the party?”

Roger shrugged. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Well, darlings, you missed out on a lot,” Freddie said. He glanced at Brian with an odd expression, like he had just remembered something important. “You’re going to tell us everything about Catherine, aren’t you?” he then asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively. 

Brian’s cheek turned red and he let out a nervous laugh. “Uh… I – well,” he stuttered. He was staring helplessly at John and Roger, like he was silently pleading them to get him out of the situation. 

Roger could have been amused by Brian’s awkwardness if it weren’t for the sudden wave of anger that was consuming him. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the source of it and, as a matter of fact, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know. 

Brian started speaking again, this time more composed: “I met Catherine yesterday at the party. We talked for almost an hour and it was wonderful! She was really funny and nice and I think she liked me, too.”

“And she was really attractive,” commented Freddie, earning a glare from Brian. 

After a few moments of silence, Roger stood up and said: “I don’t feel good; I’m going to go to my room for a while.” He smiled tensely at the others and turned away from the table, not missing the weird look John gave to him. 

***

Roger lay in his bed, staring at the white ceiling. He didn’t feel like getting up. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone. 

He wished he could stop thinking, even for a few minutes. But he couldn’t. His mind wouldn’t shut up. 

Roger desperately wanted to know what was happening to him. Maybe it was something he would be able to fix. But lately, nothing made sense to him. 

Someone knocked on his door. “Go away!” he shouted. Or at least, tried to shout, his voice coming out weak and quiet. 

The door opened despite his protests and John stepped in.


	5. Chapter 5

John sat down on Roger’s bed, not saying a word. His face was completely expressionless when he leaned his back against the wall. 

To tell the truth, Roger was rather frightened by this. He was perfectly content with silence when he was alone, but when others were present it made him nervous. 

“What are you doing here?” Roger questioned. 

“Freddie and Brian went to a bar,” said John, biting his lip. “And I wanted to talk to you,” he added. “Roger, please tell me what’s wrong.”

Roger cast his eyes down. He let out a sigh and whispered: “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

When he looked at John again, his eyes were filled with tears he no longer tried to hide. He knew it would be no use.

John wrapped his arms around Roger and pulled him close. Roger buried his head in John’s chest, now sobbing uncontrollably. 

“Everything is going to be all right,” John said, stroking Roger’s tangled hair.

“I need vodka,” Roger said in a hoarse voice. 

John smiled and replied: “I’ll make you some tea.” 

***

Roger followed John out of the room. He sat down on the couch, waiting as John made them tea. 

Roger was truly grateful for having a friend like John. He wasn’t sure he deserved to be friends with someone as kind and selfless, someone who always took care of him when he wasn’t capable of doing so himself. Roger made a mental note to appreciate John more from now on. 

“Thank you,” Roger said when John handed a cup of tea to him. “And not just for the tea. For everything you’ve done for me.” 

“You’re welcome,” John said, grinning. But then his expression turned serious. “Roger?” 

Roger nodded to show him he was listening. 

John glanced at Roger. “Does the thing that’s been bothering you lately have something to do with Brian?” he asked. 

Roger wore a puzzled expression. “Why would it have anything to do with Brian?” he inquired. 

“Well…” said John. He squirmed nervously as if he were afraid of finishing his sentence, afraid of Roger’s reaction. “Do you think you might have a crush on him?”

Following John’s words, a heavy silence settled over them. John looked like he regretted saying anything and Roger was struggling to comprehend his words. 

Roger’s voice was emotionless and his expression unreadable when he spoke, finally breaking the silence: “Why would you think that?”

John shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “You always act weird when you’re around him and you seemed so jealous after he told us about that girl he met at the party. Look, I didn’t mean to offend you–”

“Offend me?” Roger laughed coldly. “I’m not offended. I just think that your accusations are ridiculous. I’m straight and I definitely do not have a crush on Brian!” 

“Roger–” John started, but Roger had already stormed out of the living room.


	6. Chapter 6

Roger sat on his bed. He glared at the opposite wall, letting out an exasperated sigh.

Why did John have to say those things? Why did he have to make Roger question everything about himself even further than he’d had before? 

At first, Roger had thought of the idea of him having feelings for Brian as absurd; he had been able to laugh it off. But the more he thought about it, the more it started to make sense to him.

As much as he hated to admit it, even to himself, he now thought John might have been right. 

But what was he supposed to do? He had a crush on a man even though he had always believed himself to only be attracted to women. And on top of that, the man was Brian, who was most definitely straight and would never like him back. 

Out of all the people in the world, why did he have to have feelings for one of his best friends? 

Roger decided to talk to John. Maybe he’d know how Roger could deal with this newly discovered thing about himself. 

Roger stood up and made his way to the door, which creaked loudly when he opened it. John, who was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper, had definitely heard this. However, he paid no attention to Roger when he stepped out of his room. 

Roger settled down on the couch next to John. “Hello,” said Roger while glancing at John cautiously. John didn’t look at Roger nor did he say anything. Roger sighed and continued speaking. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have got angry with you. None of this is your fault.”

Only then did John put down the newspaper. “Have you thought about what I said?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I think you were right,” Roger whispered. He looked at John, his eyes suddenly filled with sorrow and helplessness. “I don’t know what to do.” 

John pulled him into a comforting hug for the second time that day. Roger didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but eventually exhaustion took over and he fell asleep. 

***

John heard the front door open. There was a loud crash from the hallway and someone started laughing. 

John glanced at Roger. He was still sleeping. 

Freddie stumbled into the room, Brian following him. Freddie pointed at Roger and John. “Aren’t they cute?” he whispered, grinning. John rolled his eyes; Freddie was clearly drunk. 

Brian raised his eyebrows and looked at Roger and John amusedly. “Adorable.”

John, with his arms wrapped around the sleeping figure of Roger, glared at Freddie and Brian. He tried to motion them to be quiet; he didn’t want Roger to wake up. But it was too late. He had already opened his eyes. 

Roger seemed confused. He looked around, trying to make sense of the situation. He noticed Brian and Freddie on the other side of the room and went extremely pale. After stammering out a timid “hi,” he scrambled to his feet and hurried out of the living room.


	7. Chapter 7

“John?” Freddie said, his brows creased.

“Yeah?”

“What’s with Roger?” Freddie asked.

John shrugged. “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?”

“Oh, come on!” Freddie exclaimed. “You do know, don’t you? Why can’t you just tell me?”

John avoided his gaze. He was relieved when Brian burst into the room, interrupting his conversation with Freddie. 

“Hello!” Brian said and smiled at them. John thought he looked uncharacteristically cheerful.

“Hi,” said Freddie. 

“You seem excited,” John remarked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. My girlfriend is coming over today,” Brian said. He was still smiling.

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” 

“He does,” Freddie stated, smirking. “The one he met at the party. The pretty one. I think her name was Catherine.” 

Brian glanced at Freddie, suddenly looking serious. “Please don’t flirt with her or anything.”

Freddie snickered and said: “I won’t, I promise. Roger might, though.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem,” John muttered. 

***

“Roger, wake up,” John said. 

Roger didn’t obey, pressing his face deeper into his pillow instead. 

“Wake up,” repeated John in a louder voice. “Or should I get Brian so he can kiss you awake?”

Roger groaned and reluctantly sat up. “You’re evil,” he said, hitting John with his pillow. “Is there a reason you woke me up in the middle of the night?” 

“It’s two p.m. And yes, there is a reason.” Roger was staring at him expectantly. “I thought you might want to be awake since Brian’s girlfriend is coming over in no time.”

Roger, not being able to hide the disappointment in his voice, asked: “Brian has a girlfriend?” 

John nodded. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Roger assured in a tone little bit too joyful and with a forced smile on his face. “It’s not like I had a chance of being with him in the first place. I don’t have the right to be upset. And I’m sure she makes him happy. That’s all that matters,” he continued, his lip trembling.

John glanced at him. It seemed like he was trying to think of something to say. But then, the doorbell rang.


	8. Chapter 8

Roger was sitting on the couch between John and Freddie. In an armchair opposite them was Brian with Catherine seated on his lap. 

Catherine had arrived at their apartment about twenty minutes ago. Brian had introduced her to his friends. She’d looked enthusiastic and told them how happy she was to meet them. 

Roger thought she seemed like a very nice person and that made the situation all the more intolerable. Guilt burned in his mind when he looked at the couple in front of him. He wanted to be happy for them, but it was impossible when all he could think about was how badly he wanted to be in Catherine’s place. He wondered what it would feel like to have Brian look at him with such affection in his eyes, to have Brian kiss him…

“Roger?”

Roger startled, realizing he’d zoned out. “Yeah?”

“Do you want some tea?” Freddie asked. 

“Um–no thanks,” Roger replied, smiling in a way he hoped seemed polite. Freddie eyed him suspiciously. 

For the next couple of hours Roger tried to keep up with the conversation. He would occasionally nod in agreement to something someone said or laugh at someone’s joke. However, talking seemed to be quite a challenge for him on that particular day, so he mostly remained quiet. 

Roger tried his best not to let out a sigh of relief when it was finally time for Catherine to leave.

Catherine said goodbye to them all. She stepped closer to Brian and kissed him. They pulled apart and Catherine’s lips stretched into a smile. However, Roger noticed the smile didn’t reach her eyes that held a glint of something he couldn’t quite distinguish. 

Catherine had already closed the door behind her when Roger noticed something; she had forgotten her coat. Roger picked up the coat, yanked open the door and ran after her to the driveway. 

“Catherine, wait!” he shouted. 

Catherine turned around and stared at him with a puzzled frown. Then she noticed her coat in his hand and gave a laugh. “Thank you,” she said, taking the coat from Roger. Her cheeks had turned slightly red. 

Roger smiled tensely and replied: “No problem.” 

Suddenly Catherine was standing way too close to Roger. Before he knew what was happening, her lips had touched his cheek and her fingers were caressing his shoulder. Roger stood there, frozen. Catherine smirked at him and started walking away. 

Roger decided to pretend the whole incident never happened.


	9. Chapter 9

Roger stepped out of his room, his mood immediately worsening when he saw a familiar woman sitting at the dining table with John, Freddie and Brian. What was she doing in their apartment again? It had only been a week since the last time she’d been there. If it were up to Roger, she would be banned from the place for good. 

Roger wondered whether they would notice if he retreated to his room, but that’s when Catherine decided to turn her head and greet him. She smiled at him, raising her eyebrows suggestively. Roger glanced at Brian. He hadn’t noticed anything. 

Roger ignored Catherine and walked to the table. To his indignation he realized that the only free seat was next to her. Roger slumped down onto the chair. 

“Good morning to you too,” Brian said.

Roger glanced at him with the intention to reply, but the words seemed to get stuck somewhere along the way. He felt incredibly guilty when Brian’s eyes met his. Should he have told him about the thing that happened with Catherine? Should he have told him about Catherine flirting with him? Was she even flirting with him or was she like that with everyone? 

Roger realized he’d been staring at Brian for far too long. He tore his gaze away from him, his cheeks burning. 

The others carried on their conversation without Roger when it became apparent that he was once again reluctant to participate. 

When they had finished eating, Roger said: “I’ll clear the table.”

“I’ll help you!” announced Catherine. 

Roger glared at the wall, wanting to object. However, he didn’t want to come off as rude, so he just nodded silently. 

When they were ready, Roger left the kitchen without a word. He had just walked into his room when he noticed Catherine standing in the doorway. 

“What are you doing?” Roger asked, frowning. 

Catherine didn’t answer, taking a step towards him instead. He instinctively moved away from her. Or at least he tried to, but Catherine’s hands had grabbed his wrists and her grip was surprisingly strong. 

And then, her lips were on his. Roger was too shocked to do anything. After what must have been the most uncomfortable ten seconds of his life, Catherine pulled away. 

“What the hell?” Roger hissed. “You’re Brian’s girlfriend! You can’t kiss me!” 

Catherine had a disgustingly self-satisfied smile on her face when she said: “You wanted it too. There’s no use in pretending. I know you want me.”

Roger felt sheer anger bubbling in his chest. Never in his life had he wanted to punch someone so badly. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want to see you ever again. And luckily, after I’ve told Brian about what you did, I won’t have to.”

“But what if,” Catherine smiled cruelly, “I tell Brian you kissed me? Which one of us do you think he would believe?” 

“He would believe me,” Roger said with feigned confidence. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, dear.”


	10. Chapter 10

It had been three days since Catherine had kissed Roger. It had also been three days since Roger had last talked to Brian. 

Roger wanted to tell him the truth, but he was terrified of what could happen if he did. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he knew Catherine had been right; if she were to tell Brian her untruthful version of the incident, he would undoubtedly believe her. 

The door of Roger’s room swung open and he cursed himself for not remembering to lock it. He then realized it was Brian who’d just showed up in his room uninvited. There was nothing he wanted to do more than to jump out of the window. 

“Hi,” Roger said. He was standing a few feet away from Brian with his hands clasped tightly in front of his stomach. 

Brian glanced at him, his face expressionless. The calm before the storm, Roger thought and shivered. 

“Why did you do it?” Brian asked, taking a step towards Roger. 

Roger bit his lip. Brian was standing too close to him and all of a sudden he found it difficult to breathe. 

Roger resisted the urge to shut his eyes tightly and pretend none of this was really happening, that it was all just a bad dream; that he wasn’t falling in love with his best friend and that the said friend didn’t care more about a girl he’d met mere weeks ago than about Roger. 

“Why did I do what?” he whispered.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Why did you kiss Catherine?”

“I didn’t. She kissed me,” Roger said. He needed Brian to believe him. He couldn’t lose his friend. 

“Why can’t you just tell the truth? Why can’t you take responsibility for your actions for once?” Brian shouted. 

“I am telling the truth,” Roger said. He knew he’d lost. Brian didn’t believe him. 

Brian shook his head and laughed bitterly. “Maybe you’re just jealous.” 

Roger stared at Brian, shock crossing his face and his mouth dropping open. Had Brian somehow found out about Roger having feelings for him? Had John told him? Or had Roger just been that obvious? “Wh–why would I be jealous?” he stuttered. 

“Because all you ever do with girls is have sex with them! Have you ever had a real relationship?” 

Oh. So that’s what Brian thought. He though Roger wanted to have a relationship with a girl. Roger almost laughed at how wrong he was. 

“I don’t want a relationship,” Roger said coldly. 

Brian gave him a weird look and asked: “Why is that?” 

Roger opened his mouth to answer, but closed it when he realized he had no idea what to say. He couldn’t remember ever having had actual feelings for a girl. In fact, he couldn’t remember ever having had feelings for anyone other than Brian. 

“Well,” Brian said, “tell me when you’ve decided to apologize for what you did. I might even consider forgiving you.”


	11. Chapter 11

Roger was sitting on the couch with a cup of tea that had gone cold long ago. He heard the front door open and looked up to see John standing in the doorway. An odd mix of relief and disappointment filled Roger’s stomach; a part of him had been hoping it’d be Brian. 

To Roger’s annoyance, Brian had avoided him for days. Roger was still angry with him for refusing to listen to him when he tried to tell him the truth about what had happened with Catherine. But despite that, he missed Brian and wanted his friend back. 

“Hi,” John said, sitting down next to Roger.

“Hello,” he replied in a quiet voice. 

John’s eyes showed concern when he looked at Roger. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Not really,” Roger said, sighing. 

“What happened?” 

“Catherine kissed me,” Roger said.

John raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Catherine? As in Brian’s girlfriend Catherine?”

Roger nodded. “And then she said something about me wanting it too, which is completely crazy! I don’t like her in that way – I don’t like her in any way. In fact, I can’t think of anyone I like less than her! She said she’d tell Brian that I kissed her. And that’s exactly what she did.”

“But Brian didn’t believe her, right?” John asked.

Roger bit his lip. He felt exhausted. “He did,” Roger said, blinking back tears. “He believed her. He came to my room and asked me why I’d done it and when I told him Catherine had kissed me, he yelled at me for never taking responsibility for my actions. And then he told me to tell him when I’ve decided to apologize and stormed out of my room. He’s been avoiding me ever since.” Roger took a shaky breath. Glancing at John, he whispered: “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him.” 

John put his hand on Roger’s shoulder and said: “You’re not going to lose him.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He hates me.”


	12. Chapter 12

“Brian? Can we talk?” John asked. 

Brian nodded, keeping his eyes on the newspaper he was reading. “Sure. What do you want to talk about?”

“Roger.” 

Brian drew a sharp breath and finally took his eyes off the newspaper. “Actually, I changed my mind. I don’t feel like talking.” 

John glared at Brian. “You need to stop avoiding him.”

“So he told you about what happened.” Brian paused for a moment before continuing. “And if he did tell you, I suppose you know exactly why I’m avoiding him.” 

John nodded. “Because you chose to believe the lies your girlfriend told you.” 

“She wouldn’t lie to me,” Brian said with a frown on his face. 

“And Roger would?” John asked and raised his eyebrows. 

Brian shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s been acting so weird lately. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore.” 

“Wow. So you’ve actually noticed he hasn’t seemed himself lately,” John said, feigning amazement. 

“Of course I’ve noticed! He’s my friend!” Brian exclaimed and John could almost feel the vexation radiating from him. 

“That’s precisely my point!” John raised his voice in an uncharacteristic manner for him. “You’ve known Roger for years! As for Catherine, you’ve known her for a few weeks!” John took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. They wouldn’t be making any progress by shouting at each other. “Look, all I’m trying to say is that it’s a bit mindless to believe someone whom you’ve just met and who has caused you so much trouble already over someone whom you’ve known for ages and who’s always been there for you when you’ve needed him.”

Brian stared at his hands, seemingly lost in thought. After a moment, he broke the silence. “You’re right,” he spoke in a whisper, his eyes becoming glazed with a layer of tears. “I just… I wanted to believe Catherine. She’s the only girl I’ve genuinely liked in a really long time. And I thought she liked me too.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I was stupid for believing she actually cared about me.” 

John shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself. This is all her fault, not yours. Just–” he paused for a few seconds and glanced at Brian. “–please talk with Roger. He feels awful. He thinks you hate him.” 

Brian nodded, guilt and regret visible in his eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

Roger was lying on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, when he heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” he shouted and scrambled off the bed. The door swung open and Roger’s breath caught in his throat when he saw Brian standing in the doorway. 

Brian looked hesitant, shifting from one foot to another. Roger’s heart was pounding as he watched Brian take a tentative step towards him. 

“I’m sorry,” Brian whispered, his voice barely audible to Roger. 

Roger was taken aback. He’d expected Brian to yell at him and announce that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore or something similar. What he had definitely not been expecting was an apology. 

Roger felt a wave of happiness pass through him. Never in his life had he been so relieved. Brian didn’t hate him. Brian didn’t want him out of his life. 

“I get it if you’re still angry with me,” Brian rushed to say, clearly taking Roger’s silence as a sign that he hadn’t forgiven him yet. 

Roger shook his head. “No, it wasn’t your fault,” he said. He had been angry with Brian before, but now that he was apologizing, how could he not forgive him? 

Brian gave him a timid smile with a similar touch of relief that Roger felt. He wrapped his arms around Roger’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I missed you,” he whispered in Roger’s ear, making his skin tingle. 

“I missed you too,” Roger mumbled into Brian’s chest. He was glad Brian couldn’t see his face; his cheeks were heating up and he didn’t want the other man to see him blushing. 

It seemed to Roger that the world melted away as they stood there. Brian’s embrace was warm and being so close to him was intoxicating. 

Just for a moment Roger let himself believe that Brian was his; that the love he felt for him wasn’t one-sided. He wanted to hold on to him forever, but way too soon Brian’s arms were gone from around him. However, the warm feeling of pure happiness in his stomach remained.


	14. Chapter 14

Roger knew Brian would catch him staring at him if he turned his head. He couldn’t bring himself to care, however. 

Brian looked peaceful. He was reading a book, seeming to be completely lost in a world of his own. He was biting his lip and frowning slightly. The rays of the afternoon sun fell through the window, dancing on his skin and illuminating his eyes. Roger had never seen anything so beautiful in his entire life. Brian chuckled at something and Roger couldn’t help but smile. 

Putting his book down, Brian turned towards Roger, who had to tear his gaze away from his lips. Roger was tempted to kiss him on the instant, and he had to remind himself that he couldn’t do it. It would ruin their friendship. Brian would hate him. Unless… 

No–he didn’t want to give himself false hopes. He’d only be let down if he let himself think Brian had any romantic feelings for him. 

“Are you okay?” Brian asked with worry in his eyes. 

“Uh… yeah,” Roger stuttered. He tried to stop his cheeks from heating up with sheer strength of will, needless to say not succeeding. He hated the fact that Brian could make him feel that way. 

“It’s been ages since we’ve had a proper conversation with each other,” Brian said, frowning slightly. “We used to spend so much time together. What happened to us?”

Roger shrugged. “I don’t know. But I’d like to spend more time with you,” he said, staring wide-eyed at Brian. 

Brian smiled at him and said: “I’d like that too. So, what’s going on in your life?” 

“Nothing special,” Roger replied, trying to come off as nonchalant. “What about you?”

Brian pondered for a moment. “I broke up with Catherine.” 

“Really? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Brian said and to Roger’s surprise, his smile didn’t falter. “I’m glad I got rid of her. She was a liar and a cheat. She wasn’t the one for me.” Brian sighed. “I just hope I’ll find that person one day.”

“I know you will,” Roger said, wondering whether that would be an appropriate moment to hug Brian. 

“It’s good to know you have faith in me.” Brian smiled softly and continued: “I know you’ll find someone like that too.” 

‘I just wish it could be you,’ Roger thought. He decided that it was, indeed, a perfect moment to hug Brian. At this point, Roger was desperate enough to use any excuse possible to touch him. 

Roger pressed his face into Brian’s chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. He sighed contently, his eyes slipping closed. Brian gave a laugh and started caressing Roger’s hair. 

Despite dreading the day when Brian would find someone else to fall in love with, the day that would inevitably come, Roger delighted in the moment.


	15. Chapter 15

“Do you want some tea?” Brian called out from the kitchen.

Roger shook his head, only then realizing Brian couldn’t see him. “No thanks,” he said, his voice coming out too tense for his liking. 

Roger’s hands were shaking. He was contemplating whether to back out of a decision he had made mere minutes ago; he had decided to tell Brian about his feelings for him. Never in his life had he been quite so terrified.

Roger could hear clatter from the kitchen as something fell to the floor. Brian cursed loudly. 

As the minutes passed, Roger grew more and more uncertain. What if he was making a mistake?

But he needed to get it off his chest. He couldn’t keep hiding anymore. Concealing his feelings from Brian hurt him in ways he couldn’t describe. He had to tell him.

Besides, what was the worst that could happen? Roger wasn’t relieved in the slightest when he realized he was able to come up with dozens of options. 

Brian returned from the kitchen and sat down on the couch next to Roger, who shifted in his seat and coughed awkwardly. “Brian, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

Brian focused his gaze on him and nodded to show he was listening. 

Roger took a deep breath, swallowing nervously. In a voice that was a lot steadier than he had thought he’d be capable of, he said: “I’m in love with you.” He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. 

“You… what?” Brian said. He was frowning and looked utterly confused. 

Roger squeezed his eyes shut, wishing the ground would swallow him up. He wanted to tell Brian he’d been joking, that he hadn’t really meant what he had said. “You heard me,” was what he said instead. 

“You’re kidding me,” Brian whispered, his voice cold and his face frighteningly expressionless. 

Roger shook his head and mentally prepared himself for the storm that was inevitably coming. He knew he’d fucked up. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut. 

“Brian–” he was interrupted by the said man. 

“Don’t say anything.” Brian let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re my best friend, Roger!” he then said, raising his voice significantly. “Or at least you were my best friend.” 

‘This,’ Roger thought ‘must be what it feels like when your heart breaks.’ 

“Brian,” he said again, desperation dripping from his voice. “We can get past this. I can get over you. We can pretend I never said anything. We can–” Roger cut himself off when he saw the look on Brian’s face. It was a mix of sadness and anger and a handful of other equally hopeless emotions that Roger couldn’t distinguish. And he knew it was too late. He’d ruined everything. With every passing second he hated himself more and more. 

Brian stood up and walked out of the room without a word. Roger was struggling to breathe. Tears were rolling down his face, his whole body shaking with uncontrollable sobs. He’d never felt so lonely in his life.


	16. Chapter 16

Brian let out an exasperated sigh as he glanced at the clock and realized he’d been reading his book for half an hour. He was still on the first page. 

Brian put the book down. He couldn’t focus. His attention was elsewhere; on the one and only Roger Meddows Taylor, to be exact.

Their conversation from the previous day was repeating in his head like a broken record. Most prominent were the words that had left him shocked to the core, words he had never expected to hear from his friend. ‘I’m in love with you.’ Brian was certain the words would be stuck in his mind forever. 

Roger couldn’t possibly have meant what he said. Why would he be in love with Brian? 

Should he have known about Roger’s feelings for him sooner? No – Roger had hidden it well. Brian believed himself to be quite observant. 

Brian wished Roger wouldn’t be in love with him. It made everything so complicated. It ruined their friendship. And Brian didn’t love him back as anything more than a friend. 

Hopefully Roger would get over him soon. Brian wanted him to be happy and that had to be with someone else. His feelings for Brian would get in the way of his future relationships if he didn’t get rid of them. And Brian couldn’t let that happen. Roger deserved happiness. He deserved to be with someone who loved him in the way Brian never could. And if staying away from Roger was the only way to ensure that, Brian would do it with good grace. 

But why did thinking of Roger with someone else hurt so much? Jealousy filled Brian’s stomach when he thought of Roger kissing some stranger, smiling that wonderful smile of his, being happy and completely in love…

Brian came to the conclusion that it was completely natural for him to be jealous. Roger was his friend – his best friend, after all. Brian didn’t want to lose him. 

Brian knew it was incredibly selfish to be jealous after he had rejected Roger. Actually, he hadn’t just rejected him. If that were the case, Roger would have been able to overcome it. Instead, Brian had got angry with Roger; he had basically told him they couldn’t be friends anymore. How could he have been so stupid? 

He exhaled shakily when he thought about Roger. He’d looked fragile, broken… He’d seemed so hopeless with tears glistening in his beautiful eyes. Brian loathed himself for being the cause for those tears. All he wanted to do was find Roger, kiss him and tell him how sorry he was. 

Kiss him? Brian mentally slapped himself. He had not just thought that. Sure, he found Roger attractive – you’d have to be crazy not to –, adored his personality and thought about him a lot more than was justifiable. But that didn’t mean he had any romantic feelings for him. He definitely did not. 

Or did he? Brian had had feelings for men before, so the idea wasn’t far-fetched. Brian had realized he was bisexual years ago. He had been eighteen years old when he’d fallen in love with his best friend of that time. He had told his friend how he felt about him and the said friend had told him he felt the same way. Later Brian had found out his friend had been lying to him to make fun of him. He’d lost his only friend and spent the following couple of years completely alone. After that he had pretended he was only attracted to women. He’d almost started to believe his own lies.

Meeting Catherine had only made matters worse. She had brought his already slight faith in people to absolute zero.

Brian couldn’t help thinking that maybe it was his own fault. Something about him made other people want to hurt him. And that was probably the reason he had rejected Roger. A part of him was expecting him to turn out exactly like the others.


	17. Chapter 17

Roger heard a tentative knock on his door. He got up from his bed and slowly made his way towards it. He hesitated, his hand hovering over the door handle. 

“Roger? Can I come in? I need to talk to you.” Roger squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath when he recognised the voice as Brian’s. He was not ready to face him.

Roger glanced at the mirror on the opposite wall. His eyes were red and puffy from crying and his hair was an utter mess. He didn’t try to cover up his dishevelled state. Maybe it would make Brian feel at least a tiny bit guilty about how he had treated Roger. Or maybe not. 

Brian’s eyes widened in surprise when Roger opened the door. He’d probably expected Roger to ignore him. 

“What do you want?” Roger asked, not managing to lace his voice with as much indifference as he had hoped. 

“I’m sorry,” Brian said. 

Roger laughed bitterly. “It’s a little late for that now, isn’t it?”

“Please, Roger, we’re best friends,” Brian said, looking at Roger pleadingly. Roger flinched when Brian stepped closer to him.

“That’s funny. I remember you telling me we weren’t friends anymore.” It took all of Roger’s willpower not to start crying right then and there. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. It was a stupid thing to say,” Brian said, looking into Roger’s eyes. He looked so sincere, so repentant, and Roger’s heart clenched. 

“Don’t apologize. Just leave me alone,” Roger muttered. 

“What can I do to get you to forgive me?” 

Roger wanted to forgive him. But Brian had truly hurt him and he didn’t want it to happen again. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Brian whispered, despair evident in his whole being. 

“Well, you should have thought about that earlier,” Roger hissed. 

They stood in silence, the tension between them growing heavier with every passing second. Roger was about to ask Brian to leave when the other man suddenly wrapped his arm around his waist and pressed his lips against his.

Roger was petrified with shock. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think. It was only after several moments that he came back to his senses. He shoved Brian, making him lose his balance. He stumbled backwards and his back hit the wall with a loud thump. 

“Why would you do that?” Roger had raised his voice so much that he was sure their neighbours could hear each and every one of his words. But with the absolute fury that was clouding his mind, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I… I just–” Brian stammered. He looked like he’d surprised himself with his action, too.

“Look,” Roger spoke, forcing his tone back to neutral. “I know you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you. It’s fine. I don’t want you to kiss me out of pity. I don’t need your sympathy. I’m already over you, anyway.” He was lying, but Brian didn’t need to know that. He was definitely not over him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be. He could just hope his expression didn’t give away the emotions he was trying to hide.

Brian’s hands were trembling. He looked uncertain, like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. He sighed heavily, a lone tear tracing down his cheek.


	18. Chapter 18

It was all too much for Brian; Roger wasn’t talking to him and Freddie and John kept throwing dirty looks at him whenever he walked past them. Roger had obviously told them about what had happened between him and Brian. He was sure there was a better solution than locking himself up in his room and trying to sleep his problems away, but he couldn’t think of one. 

Brian had stopped crying hours ago; it was as if he had run out of tears. However, that didn’t save him from the horrendous headache he was going through. His head felt like it was about to explode. He shuddered as a wave of nausea swept over him. Perhaps he was getting sick. Or maybe his anxieties were causing him physical symptoms. 

Brian was tempted to guzzle the contents of their liquor cabinet, but the trip to the kitchen seemed unbearably long, not to mention that the chances of him running into one of his flatmates were high. He didn’t feel like facing people who most likely wanted to behead him. Which they had a good reason for. 

As much as Brian hated his situation, he couldn’t help but think that he had deserved it. He had hurt Roger and now he was the one who was hurt. It was only fair. 

He’d been stupid enough to kiss Roger. It was only logical for him to think he had done it out of pity, as he had rejected him first. And Brian had just stood there, not even trying to explain himself. But it didn’t matter, anyway. Roger was already over him. Brian might have realised his feelings for him, but it was already too late. 

Brian buried his face in his hands. It turned out he hadn’t run out of tears, after all. He hated himself. Even more than before, that is. 

The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Roger. He had done it all the same. He had lost him. And he had broken himself in the process.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the last one. 
> 
> When I first started writing, I didn’t expect anyone to read this, and I’m amazed at how many people have. Thank you all so much for reading and for your lovely comments! Also, thanks for putting up with my annoyingly short chapters – I can’t write a long one to save my life.

“You have to talk to him, you know,” John said. 

Roger sneered. “I don’t have to do anything. Why don’t you talk to him?”

“He won’t listen to me, nor will he listen to Freddie.” 

“Well, that’s his problem. Let him rot away.” 

John frowned and looked at Roger. “I’m worried about him.” 

“So am I,” said Freddie, putting his newspaper down to join the conversation. “He hasn’t left his room in two days. I doubt he’s eaten anything.” 

Roger swallowed, feeling a pang of guilt. “I don’t care.” He knew neither of the other two believed him. He was a lousy liar. 

“You obviously do,” Freddie said, rolling his eyes. “Just talk to him.”

“I don’t want to,” Roger said in a voice that was much whinier than he had intended. He knew he sounded like a child who hadn’t got his way about something. He hated it. 

“You’ve got to, darling. He’s miserable and so are you!” exclaimed Freddie. 

Roger didn’t bother to deny it. Any objection was futile at that point. He had been sulking ever since his fight with Brian and he knew better than to assume Freddie and John hadn’t taken notice. 

Roger inhaled shakily and looked up at Freddie. “Fine. I’ll talk to him.” 

*** 

The door to Brian’s room wasn’t locked. Roger knew he probably should have knocked before entering, but he wasn’t feeling up to such courtesies at that moment. 

He closed the door behind him. It took a moment for his eyes to get used to the dark. 

There was no sign of life in the room. Roger thought Brian had left somewhere until he saw his immobile figure lying on the bed under a duvet.

“Brian?” Roger said, deciding to announce his presence as Brian hadn’t noticed him. 

Brian startled and hit his head against the wall. He gasped in pain and scrambled into a sitting position. He was staring at Roger, looking as though he’d seen a ghost. 

Roger could have found that amusing if it weren’t for the horrible condition Brian was in; he was deathly pale, his hair was an utter mess and there were dark shadows under his eyes. His eyes were red and swollen. It was evident he had been crying. 

Roger could feel every last bit of anger leaving his mind as he took in Brian’s appearance. He took cautious steps forward until he reached the bed. He lost all the composure he had held on to. He threw himself into Brian’s arms and whispered: “I’m so sorry.”

Brian wrapped his arms around him. “I should be the one apologising,” he said and sighed. 

Roger shook his head, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards. “We have both been such idiots, haven’t we?”

“You’re absolutely right,” Brian said and broke into a smile. But as soon as his smile had appeared, it was gone. He bit his lip nervously. “I didn’t kiss you out of pity.”

Roger gaped at him in amazement. He had definitely not been expecting that. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn’t trust himself to be able to say anything comprehensible. 

Brian looked down when he spoke, unable to meet Roger’s eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I was so scared of getting hurt and then I hurt you instead. I’m so sorry. You have every right to slap me if you want.” 

Roger didn’t want to slap him. He couldn’t believe his ears. Had Brian really meant what he’d said? Since his newfound muteness prevented him from giving any sort of verbal response to Brian, he did the only thing he could think of; he kissed him. 

Despite the kiss being tentative and quick, it beared emotions neither of them could put into words. 

After they had pulled apart, Brian smiled at Roger. He found his smile to be very contagious, and was soon grinning from ear to ear. 

“I love you,” Brian whispered. 

“I love you too.”


End file.
